

Chapter 5


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"It's the friends you can call up at four a.m. that matter."
Marlene Dietrich (1901 - 1992)


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I am usually critical of all action films, but enjoyed the Bourne 
Identity. Matt Damon has *IT* you know what I mean, well 
maybe you guys don't understand. Great actor, great action star 
and again he has *IT*. Brad Pitt had *IT* in Fight Club, and 
Troy......yummy! Yeah a girl can like Fight Club, although I 
know it's suppose to be a guy flick.


**********


I was in no mood to answer questions and shut off my cell 
phone. My subconscious was already browbeating me to death; 
'You dope, you idiot, I can't believe you got into a fight, you're 
in trouble now!' Yeah thanks for telling me something I already 
know! What's the point in having voices in your head if they 
can't tell you things you do not know.

So finally I ended up in front of Sharon's house, we've become 
very tight friends if you haven't noticed so she seemed like the 
first person to turn to, besides the fight was about her. I was 
actually admiring how peaceful it was outside but that serene 
moment was totally disrupted when the front door yanked 
open, Sharon had this spastic 'Oh shit' expression on her face. I 
see she already heard, news spreads fast these days.

I had laid my weary body down on the left side of the bed that 
overlooked an area of the floor where Sharon was sorting thru 
all of her Cheerleading pictures. Lord help me!

"And this one was a picture of where we competed in the State 
Finals, but we only came in second. That really sucked." I 
didn't care that Sharon like to talk about herself, a lot in fact, all 
I had to do was sit and listen. Maybe there is an upside to be 
found here.

As she sorted thru some other pictures Sharon cleverly segued 
into another more personal question, "So how are things with 
you and Erik." keeping her head down but I could discern a 
faint smile from her mouth. At least she had stopped digging 
into my family life, after a few brief answers on my part, 'My 
family was very small', Sharon let the topic go.

I stretched out on the bed a little, "Yeah, Erik was pretty 
persistent, so I thought I would give him a chance."

Sharon dropped the photo she was holding and looked up at 
me with a raised eyebrow "I knew it, you really do have a 
swelled ego!" Sharon smiled.

"No I don't!" I blushed and smiled back. Just then my cell 
phone went off and I pulled it from my pocket, "Speak of the 
devil!" I muted the ringer and slipped it back in my pocket.

"Your not going to answer?" Sharon looked totally shocked, "I 
wish I had your self control!"

I just shrugged and smiled a little in response.

"What about what happened today, don't you think he heard 
and is worried? You should call him back." Sharon sounded 
concerned, but part of me thinks her nosey side wanted to listen 
in on the conversation, but she had a good point.

"Yeah, true enough." I moaned and fished out the phone and 
called him back, he had left a message, and then I got worried, 
'did we have a date tonight?' Why can't I keep better track of 
my personal time? Erik was always complaining that I don't 
make enough time for him.

"Hey sorry, I'm over Sharon's...." Yep Sharon was right he 
heard what happened and wanted to see me right away. For 
crying out loud, of course I'm okay, I just told you I was! I 
don't get the odd dynamics of dating and was ready to hang up 
on him because he was annoying me with questions. I can be 
such a MEANIE! But in a good way I think.

Sharon is now waving at me and telling me to put Erik on hold, 
"What!" I snap at Sharon as I try to pacify his concerns while 
trying to figure out what Sharon is yapping about.

"What does he want?" Sharon whispered.

"He wants to come by and see me, make sure I'm okay." I'm 
shaking my head 'NO' but Sharon is nodding 'YES'.

"Absolutely, now tell him to come over to my house so he can 
see you!" Sharon said emphatically.

"Fine!" I snap and start waiving my hand at Sharon to BE 
QUIET as she is still yapping in my ear about something, 
scolding me, or something, a personality trait of Sharon's that 
would come back to annoy me for the rest of my life. 
Yap yap yap! Blah blah blah!

"Okay, see you in a little bit." I cover the mouth piece with my 
hand when I say "Love you too." and close the phone, I think I 
was in love with Erik, I did care for him deeply enough to say 
the word 'love'. I thought I had a handle on L-U-V-E (yeah I 
misspelled it on purpose) but what do I know?

"Your such a pain!" I say after I hang up.

"That is so silly, you don't ignore your boyfriend when he is 
worried about you, it's sweet that he is willing to drive all the 
way out here just to see you." Sharon said almost pleading 
Erik's case.

I groaned as I sat up, "And now I'm going to get grilled for not 
going to see him first this afternoon, more explaining to do." 

"Oh yeah you have such a hard life." Sharon said as she went 
to stand up. Now I know I have said this before, or maybe 
alluded to it, but Sharon was the first friend that I felt like we 
connected on a very intimate level, that we could really talk 
about anything. I have other friends all right, but nothing that 
compared to the emotionally, girly-girl talk that Sharon and I 
can have at length, although she does tend to do most of the 
talking.

"Whoops, there he is." I say as I watch two headlights come to 
a slow creep up the long driveway. I felt a light shiver of 
excitement run up my spine unexpectedly, I usually have such a 
strong gauge on my emotions and wasn't prepared for this 
strong physical reaction. 

"Look at that big smile on your face." Sharon cracked with an 
amused look.

"Oh quiet!" I felt my face blush a deep shade of red. Okay yes I 
admit, I was all full of gushing, sweet, romantic thoughts and 
feelings when I saw Erik. He stayed for about an hour before 
walking him back to his car, it was so dark, a little warm 
outside and the frogs and crickets chirping around us, 'Oh my 
gosh' I thought as he wrapped me in his arms and I was 
swooning with delight while we stood nose to nose, hugging, 
pressing the front of our bodies against one another. An 
emotional day topped off by an intimate moment in the dark 
with my boyfriend! Why did it take so long for this moment to 
arrive?

We started to kiss more deeply now, we hugged and then kissed 
again for what felt like several long minutes. His hands reached 
around and grabbed my butt, I really liked that, and I kissed 
him back even harder. Not to be a downer, but why am I 
always the one putting on the brakes? I guess its usually that the 
girl has to do this, but this time I was having a very, very hard 
time pulling away. Thank God we were enveloped in total 
darkness as our making-out was getting very aggressive, his 
hands were up the back of my shirt and tugging at my bra strap. 
Maybe we should climb into his car for more privacy? No 
wait....stop....I need to get things in-check here.

Gheesh that was hard, disengaging from our kiss and hug, he 
kept pulling me back into his arms when I tried to say goodbye 
and like some silly goof I kept letting him. 

"I just want to hold you a little longer." He whispered. 


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Suddenly so many things were changing in my life, most of 
them for the better, not that my life prior to this was all that 
bad,  but my Senior year is almost over. Crap! Why so soon? I 
was just getting on a roll, finding my rhythm! And a boyfriend!

Drat! Double Drat!

The following week I made a mental note of how differently I 
was treated when walking thru the school, 'With an air of 
respect' almost, or maybe 'fear'? The fact that I still maintained 
a quiet and distant demeanor only added to my mystique and 
intimidation factor, 'Not that I would ever act on it again' I told 
myself, but having the reputation for someone that can fight 
definitely was having it's perks. Finally, but probably most 
worth mentioning, was my notoriety for attacking the weights 
in the gym, the resulting buildup and toning of my body only 
reinforced that perception as a fit 'tough' girl. 

Stand back everyone as my head begins to swell to tremendous 
proportions!


**********


"Peter, go down stairs and talk some sense into her now!" I 
could hear my Mom upstairs in the kitchen demanding that my 
Dad come and intervene.

"I am not getting involved, it's her decision."

Back down the stairs my Mom comes, angry and huffing. 
Meanwhile Erik and Sharon were pacing up and down, 
pleading for me to reconsider.

"Nope"

"Nope"

"Nope"

"Corbin this makes no sense at all!" says Sharon, "It's all very 
selfish! You are just being stubborn."

"Nope"

"Nope"

"Nope" 

That was my only answer as I sat on the couch, arms folded 
tight, legs crossed with a very stern look as I also shook my 
head 'No'. I had dug in and made my decision.

Erik sat down on the couch next to me and placed his handle 
gently on my knee, "Please, what's wrong, your not even telling 
us why."

"It's a stupid tradition and the answer is....Nope!"

A moments peace finally, I think I have won, they all look 
exhausted and drained from trying to change my mind.

And then, those heavy footsteps from beyond the family room, 
'Dang it! My Dad is coming down stairs.' A very imposing 
man, almost 6' 4" with sandy blonde hair that has begun that 
turn shades of gray. My Mom nodded with satisfaction 
knowing my Dad's presence always had some sway over me, 
but that was not even a sure thing as my Dad took my side 
more then half the time. I shifted a little uneasy as I watched 
him remove his reading glasses and discard them to a nearby 
end table, almost with disdain, he hated the day he had to go to 
the eye doctor and get checked for glasses. 

"All of this is brow beating is just making the matter worse." 
He finally said. Dead silence and I prayed he would send 
everyone away, case closed!

"Well the only thing that is going to make it better is for our 
daughter to change her mind." My Mom looked over at him, 
then at me. But I wouldn't look her in the eye, I was too pissed.

"I told you I can help, you wouldn't have to barely do 
anything." Sharon said almost pleading, but she went quiet 
when I gave a cutting looking of irritation, she then looked 
away and fidgeted with her fingernails until I stopped my 
glaring.

"Corbin," My Dad let out a exhausted sigh and I had to force 
my head to tilt up just a enough and look into his light blue 
eyes, this was going to be very hard. My Father is a tough but 
fair man and he rarely ever raises his voice at me, in fact he 
almost always supports me in everything I do, always telling 
me I can do great, wonderful things....anything I put my mind 
too, I can do! 

"On this matter, personally," He continued after a slight pause, 
"I want you to go, okay? It would mean a lot to your Mother 
and me to see you go and enjoy this one night." That slight 
look he gives too, the rare look of disappointment that begins to 
creep up over the shadows of his face and into a few of his 
wrinkles, "We all know you have strong opinions about a great 
many things, that's fine, we stand behind you and support you, 
and you've made us as proud as any parent could be...."

Thats it! I crack! I lose it! Well almost, my hands come up to 
brush the tears from my cheeks as I fight to stay strong. I 
always feel compelled to be strong in front of my Dad. (It's a 
long story and yes more family secrets). "I'll go....fine I'll go."  
But I keep fighting to keep my composure, what a ridiculously, 
embarrassing display on my part. Sharon, Mom, and Erik are 
falling all over themselves to tend to me, telling me I am 
making the right decision.

So, what was all this drama about? 

Well, brace yourself, I emphatically did not want to go to my 
Senior Prom. Yes indeed, all that mess and drama over Prom. I 
can make great grades, read out loud to a large class full of my 
peers, run track, ride mountain bikes, climb trees, swim, lift 
weights, spin and jump around in my gymnastics leotard.... 

But ask me to get all dolled up in a fancy dress, wear high heels, 
makeup, hair salon, go out to a nice dinner and dance for one 
big social night out? Major phobias!

Thank God for Sharon....and Mom, and of course Erik, he was 
so relieved and was doing everything in his power to make sure 
I had a wonderful time. And I did.

Goes to show what I know!


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And then it was over, talk about a Kodak moment as the late 
afternoon sun had fired up the sky with brilliant orange and red 
while Sharon and I sat on the school bleachers. Everyone else 
had eagerly fled home, to party, celebrate or whatever. But the 
two of us just sat there, not at all eager to leave, in fact it was 
the very solitude and peace that kept us rooted high up in the 
stands, neither of us speaking a word. I looked out over the 
football field and glanced to the buildings over to my left. "This 
is it." I sighed sadly, "I didn't think I would miss all of this as 
much as I am already starting to." I leaned back and propped 
my elbows up on the row of seats directly behind me while 
stretching my legs out.

"Yeah." Sharon finally sighed.
 
"You're not going to get all mushy on me are you Sharon?" I 
teasingly smirked.

Sharon's mouth just dropped open in shock as she leaned away, 
"You're so mean to me!" she pouted and then looked away, 
folding her hands in her lap.
 
"I was only kidding, I'm sorry." I leaned over and touched her 
right forearm.
 
"I know..." Sharon looked over with a big smile, "...you're such 
a sucker!" nudging my elbow jokingly.
 
"Yeah, I am." I smiled and leaned back to my resting position 
on the bleacher.
  
"College, I think it's going to be interesting." Sharon sighed to 
which I could only smile.


**********


But all good things must come to an end, Sharon had broken up 
with her boyfriend David, much to his dismay, but I continued 
to date Erik over the summer until I left for Duke. He went up 
to Penn State although he wanted to try the long term 
relationship thing, I wasn't so sure it would work. He was heart 
broken and I was too. Hit me a lot harder then I let on.

How I wish I could put my emotions into words, to poetically 
weave words in a way that could create empathy from you the 
readers on my point of view....

Oh well, I will just say that I was sad, depressed and lonely. 
Yeah that accurately describes what I was feeling when Erik 
and I went off to our different schools. But I hide my emotions 
pretty well around people, even those closest to me. If you've 
never met someone like me then you will never understand, 
even if you have you probably still would have no clue. You see 
I live in 'Survival mode' and that is about the best way I know 
to describe why I act and react the way I do. My parents taught 
me very well, I may or may not reveal more in time to come.

I don't blame my parents for instilling this in me, they mean 
well and I have the common sense to know their good 
intentions are for the best.

I will leave it at that for now. 


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"Only God says jump
So I set the time
'Cause if he ever saw it
It was through these eyes of mine
And if he ever suffered
it was me who did his crying"

-Concrete Blonde


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